March 16, 2012
My cat keeps trying to fornicate with the door mat, what should I do?judestumblr
Dear Jude,
I know how you feel. My cat has a tiny, bedraggled toy lion. Every night, once we’ve gone to bed, he loudly makes love to it. Well, I say “makes love” it doesn’t sound remotely tender. In fact, I’m not sure the lion enjoys it, insofar as an inanimate object can be said to enjoy anything. On nights when I can’t cope with yowly sex noises, I gingerly pick up the fluffy sex aid, and place it on a high shelf. You could do the same with your door mat. It may make wiping your feet difficult, but a small price to pay to no longer have to be party to a feline sex show every night.
February 4, 2012
I want to have sex with Boris Johnson. Can you fix this for me? You cycle, so I assume you're well connected.Anonymous
Dear Anonymous. The only thing I can fix for you is a lobotomy. No one should ever be connected with Boris Johnson, carnally or otherwise.
August 2, 2011
Today has seen decreased productivity levels and increased shrieking levels. Is this down to the humidity or is there another cause? How do we rectify?hollyzone
Dear Hollyzone,
The decreased productivity and increased shrieking levels are down to Global Warming. Unfortunately, no one seems to take Global Warming seriously, so we’re stuck with it. I suggest purchasing some ear plugs and Valium until the rising sea levels inevitably drown us all.
My pubis used to be a fantastic mane, two solid afros of genital delight. Now I find that the region is listless, limp and doesn't even respond to Earth, Wind & Fire's all-purpose afro cream. What do you recommend?captaindisco
Dear Captaindisco,
As you seem to have two sets of pubes, i recommend seeing a doctor. I also recommend viewing the works of Simon Quinlank, as you seem to be a mane in dire need of a hobby.
I dreamt that ex-President Nixon didn't want anyone to know he liked strawberries because he thought it would hurt his image. I'm pretty sure Bono is the same but what food is he hiding?Anonymous
The Sauteed faces of African children.
Broccoli, why?Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Broccoli is the noblest of vegetables, alongside the mighty aubergine. Whilst you can lose yourself in the shininess of the aubergine, and marvel at how its colour matches your soul, broccoli has a number of magical properties.
1) You can pretend you are a tremendous giant, eating a forest.
2) You can pretend you have restored your health meter, and then go on a massive wine binge.
3) It is green, and green things have exciting health benefits. For example, eating huge volumes of spinach turns your wee green. I found that out after eating a bag the size of a pillow in one day.
are parsnips good? I like them, but have been doubting myself since discovering that the French do not eat them.Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Parsnips are troublesome. They taste nice, but due to either an evolutionary fuck up, or sheer bloody-mindedness, they are a pain in the arse to cook. Mainly because, unlike their cousin, the sturdy, upstanding carrot, they’re so stupidly thin, peeling them is a pointless exercise. Allow me to demonstrate.
STUPID POINTLESS ANNOYING PARSNIPS. Either grow a thicker point, or sod off.
In The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, the kids arrive in Narnia and are served a slap up dinner by the animals.Anonymous
Given that Narnia had been covered with snow by the witch and that nothing had grown there for years, wouldn't it have made more sense for them to eat the kids instead?
Dear Anonymous,
First things first, are you affiliated with Louise Boat or Loozsec? No? Nevermind. As any mildly sociopathic, cannibalistic witch living in Arctic conditions will tell you, good things come to those who wait. And if you’ve been living on tinned sardines for years, then some tubby kids come along, you don’t eat them immediately. Oh no. You consider your options. You can fatten them up, increasing your food store should you wish to slaughter them all shortly afterwards. Or you can project manage a child farm. The weird thing about humans, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, is that they grow. And as they grow their meat yield increases. Not that I’ve thought about this.
April 1, 2011
Do mermaids lay eggs?Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This is a good question, and one I asked a good friend of mine at the weekend. We asked two men of Science, but they didn’t know. So I have consulted the internet, since it is always right, and found a number of responses to this question:
The same way communists do.
Wtf? Fish don’t have legs?
They put the thing in their mouth. Their reproductive organs are in their throat.
Mermaids are racist.
I hope this answers your question.
Is there any way to find out who is behind those 'One Simple Rule To A Flatter Stomach' adverts so that I can punch them repeatedly in the face? (I need an identification method that doesn't actually involve clicking on the adverts.)Anonymous
Do you require any actual evidence? No? Good. It’s either George Osbourne, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove or Noel Edmonds. Best to punch them all, just to be sure the true culprit doesn’t escape.
